• Malialani Dullanty

Daily Blog :: Depressed


Mental illness is not a bad thing. It's like regular illness, just for your brain. In fact, it is maybe even less of a bad thing because unlike that hacking cough you've got? No one can catch depression or anxiety. You're not going to come down with OCD or Autism. There is no public bathroom or shopping cart that might be carrying the Dementia or ADHD germs. Although, instead of 3 days retching in a bathroom, it might be your entire life that you battle this kind of illness. So that part does suck.

And while at this exact moment I am not depressed, I often sink into it. And when I get in the thick of it? I feel a lot of things. I am a lot of things. But I am trying to do other things to help me when I am depressed or at least give me the space I need.

Note :: I no longer take depressing selfies of myself, although maybe I should, but for this post we shall have a lovely sampling of Malia as a teenager. Precious emo Malia, the amount of eyeliner you went through was impressive. We all bow to your dedication to Hot Topic and shimmer.

I feel...

Swallowed up. Invisible to rest of my life. Surrounded by immense darkness. Suffocated beneath the weight of my inadequacy. As if nothing will ever change and there is nothing I can do to get out of the cycle. The world both spinning out of control and at a complete stand still. Empty, drained of my capacity to engage or care or hope.

I am...

On a hamster wheel of perpetual doubt, taking drinks from the success-obsessed-koolaid-feeder, eating pellets of conformity in order to better appreciate the bars society has placed around what life should like. Dramatic. A tearful mess. Overwhelmed. Unable to get out of bed.

I try...

Breathing; deep, slow, intentional breaths. Wiggling my toes and fingers, rolling my ankles and wrists, shaking my head and then body from side to side. Closing my eyes tight enough that I see "stars." Hugging and kissing my tribe. Rolling out my mat - even if I just lay on it. Turning on music that inspires me. Making a "To Done List." Spinning in circles. Putting on essential oils. Taking a hot shower. Going for a long drive.

I mock the girl above, but the truth is she was brave enough to take those photos. I'm over here coming down from my panic attack about the future like "Did anybody see that?!" and sharing her honesty instead. I'm grateful to my younger self. I'm grateful that she got it all out in the open. I'm grateful she was fearless and headstrong enough to be start being raw and broken so that I could continue that legacy as an adult.

Being depressed sucks. And most of us go through it. Some of us more than others, some of us experience it in different ways than others. But whether we are eyeliner hoarding teens or full grown adults, it is a real issue that we should share and be honest about. Like that girl up there. She would have loved it if someone would have told her about how they were struggling, maybe it would have made her struggle a little more bearable.

154 Days to June

#TheJuneCountdown #DailyBlog

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