Right now the word friendship is a complicated one. Being the stay-at-home-parent of two toddlers means I don't have a lot of time or energy, but I am also an ambivert (it's a real thing) who needs regular adult human interaction... so, I make time and energy. Out of thin air. Cause I'm magical. Like a unicorn.
Each of these lovely ladies is a lifesaver. Like the candy. Meg is yellow, Becca is definitely red, Jaime is purple, Jess is probably orange but also sometimes blue. Each a distinct flavor, sometimes difficult to pull apart, certainly an acquired taste, and yet all lifesavers none-the-less.
And also like a unicorn, I am fiercely loyal. It's actually kind of a problem. Back in the day my selfish nature would struggle against my loyal nature like an internal Battle of Troy. But these days, I probably let my loyalty completely overwhelm the rest of my senses too often. Need someone to pick you up at 2am? I'm there. We have spoken in 5 years and you just happen to still have my number in your phone? No problem, I'm always on the other end of the line. I am that kind of weirdly loyal. And yes, I do still loathe my-best-friend-from-high-school's-douche-of-an-ex-boyfriend even though they have no problem with one another. It's not a grudge, it's just my loyalty.
This creates problems because 1. Most people are not this loyal. This does not make them bad people, it just means that their magical-super-friend-power is not loyalty, and that is OKAY. However, when you flake or bail or forget to call or whatever on a super loyal person? We take it personally. And if the rational side of my brain is not on? I take it VERY personally; curl up in a ball and cry about how I have no friends personally. If you think I'm joking, have a heart-to-heart with my husband who will tell you all about it. 2. While we are taking it personally, us loyal unicorns will forget that the only thing that can get us out of our spiraling-depression-hole-of-no-friends-land is our friends. It can get ugly. And long. We usually need a nap before (if) we snap out of it. Lucky for me, I married a very practical nonjudgmental man who just rolls his eyes at me and calls my list of people for me. And 3. You can only be super loyal to so many people at a time. I wish it weren't so, but it is. So I end up letting people down when I try to meet up with too many people too regularly. Plus, then I collapse into a ball (again, napping helps). I apologize profusely if any of you lovely people have been on the wrong end of that list. I DO love you you all, I am just an overachiever and try to love too many of you, too deeply, through too many different channels.
Paella - enough said.
So friendship. For me, it ebbs and flows, which I think is healthy. I have people in my life whom I am still close with, but we don't have the opportunity to be super-tight-knit-see-other-daily any more. I honestly wish we did, but we don't and that has to be okay. It isn't dramatic or horrible, it's just a bummer. I enjoy every opportunity I have to get together with them and I love them deeply while I am with them. Because I think that is the important piece of friendship: To love the ones you are with while you're with them. Pretty sure a famous person said that once. Or maybe not. But it's true. Right now my family of friends is a good one, a big one, a loud and rowdy one. We have delicious fun and tearfully honest breakdowns together. It's all good.
And that's all that matters.
150 Days to June