I keep trying to put a finger on what it is that is bothering me or what is wrong with me or why I cannot seem to pull myself out of this perpetual cycle of darkness, but I can't.
I just can't!
I'm frustrated. I am frustrated with our life circumstance, our lack of a dream or plan to propel us forward, our financial situation, our lack of any semblance of permanence - specifically as relates to a home - and I just cannot engage in hope today. Hope eludes me today, it is missing from my thoughts and my words and my actions. The only thing I feel is heartache, sorrow, anger, disappointment, and exhaustion. And I refuse to apologize for it. Or pretend it will be okay. Because I don't know that it will be. It might be like this forever. And today? There is a part of me that believes it will be.
I snapped the photo below two days ago. We are finally all feeling well enough to go play outside so for several hours we wandered around the yard playing games and then running into the house when the rain would kick up. Nothing like a Oaxaca deluge, but also only 40F so... In the picture Rory was trying to ask me something so I caught him mid-word. Normally he puts on the cheesiest cheese face that has ever cheesed. If you follow me on Instagram? You know what I'm saying.
This morning I took him to the dentist to fix some cavities in his mouth. One in particular was between his front two teeth. They drilled it out probably six months ago, but the filling came out almost immediately so they decided at his last appointment when he refused x-rays that they would probably need to do something big more dramatic. So Rory's two front teeth look, and probably feel, very different than this photograph. Now, Rory is highly sensitive and very verbal and he will probably never willingly go back into a dentist office, but he is also very upset about the fact that they changed his teeth. He initially kept trying to pull them out of his mouth.
And it breaks my heart. Because honestly, as his mom? It's weird and hard to see your kid with totally different looking front teeth, but it's harder when they hate them. He is starting to get used to it, I think, but I keep having to remind him that he is still a beautiful boy and that his true self has nothing to do with his teeth.
Rory is only 4. I don't think he has even looked into a mirror to see what the teeth look like. It's just that they feel different and he hates that. It makes him feel like they aren't his teeth and they don't belong to him and they shouldn't be in his mouth. And I can't really come up with anything other than "I'm so sorry you're upset." Because I get it.
How Rory feels about his new front teeth? I feel about our life. I keep tonguing it over and over again saying "THIS ISN'T RIGHT! THIS ISN'T OUR LIFE! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!" And I can't do anything about it other than roll my tongue over the same lines again and again and again - which won't make it fair. It won't change the circumstances we find ourselves in. It will not alter our past or inform our future and it is damaging our present.
My son is beautiful. I'm biased, but I think he is the most beautiful little boy in the entire world - new teeth and all. Which probably means I need to start looking at our life the same way I look at my son. For what it is rather than what it feels like right now.
And maybe I will.
144 Days To June