I Google searched “Who am I?” several weeks ago during the break in Daily Blogging. I wish I was kidding.
I wasn’t looking for Google to have a definition boxed neatly at the top of the screen, I was just hoping to see what others had written or searched for in any kind of similar vein. I took some personality tests that gave me answers I already knew. I read some blog posts that made me more confused than anything else. I scrolled through a ton of Pinterest quotes.
We lose who we are in the little things. We forget the simplicity of ourselves as we are inundated by the world and people around us. There are expectations, definitions, boxes and labels we subscribe to. It gets us tangled, caught up between our true selves and someone else’s version of us - maybe even just our own false version of who we are or think we should be.
Should be. What horrifically abysmal words. Even unassuming versions like “you should be happy” are perpetuating the lie that you are not already capable of experiencing fulfillment and joy. In order to unwind ourselves, we have to eliminate shit words like “should” from our vocabularies. Change your way of thinking and you will change your way of being. There is no should - Yoda would be so proud.
"Who am I?” is a question that cannot be answered by Google or anyone else until it is separated from “Who should I be?
When I think clearly about it, who I should be is a person I don’t actually enjoy being. She has based who she is on what she has been told other people need from her, rather than blossoming from within, allowing the layers to fall away and reveal who she always was. I pity that girl, that woman. She is hurting and she cannot escape from the multitudes that assemble around her willingness to conform, like vultures to rotting flesh. Violent and graphic, they descend upon a sad shell that once held stars and light. She is lost again and again, struggling and suffering.
When I think about who I am, who I really am - that’s enough. There is no need for a definition, no need to be neat and tidy with the expanse of universe and love within. It is okay just to be. That is enough.
Who am I?
And so are you.