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Daily Blog :: Call Malia, Then 9-1-1

March 30, 2017

Any of my close friends will tell you I am the one to invite in an emergency that doesn’t directly pertain to me. Need a ride to the ER? Waiting on a difficult phone call? Struggling with how to interact with that person? I’m all yours, sugar.

 

You would need to ask them about the exact reasons why, but here is what I’ve come to understand:

 

1. I hate cliches. Unless you’re saying them on purpose, with eyebrows raised and a cheesy grin so people understand you’re being sarcastic - I prefer people to not use them. Ever. If you’re looking for someone to remind you of how you’re stronger than this, that you deserve better, how God or the Universe have a plan for your life, that there is reason for everything, etc. - I can’t help you. I buried the bodies of all the people that said those things in your backyard for you so I can tell you “This fucking sucks.” and “I think a flood or plague of locust would be the best way to top this situation off.” or “I really love what you’re doing with your kitchen while everything else falls apart.”

 

This may surprise you, because I’m a bit hippydippy and woowoo - these are obviously professional terms used by scientists and other classifiers of information.  But oddly, happily, I am both in support of your desire to do and be whatever it is your heart desires, AND scathingly sarcastic.

 

2. I make a lot of jokes when tensions are high. For example, I once took a friend to Urgent Care because of pain caused by an ovarian cyst - these cysts were/are unfortunately something she regularly has to deal with, so she was daily certain as to what was causing her immobilizing pain. But still, she had to go through a number of tests for them to diagnosis and eventually just send her home. One of those tests was a vaginal ultrasound - for those of you who don’t yet know, those are pretty common so doctors can see all your lady insides. And yes, it is like having a slim penis shaped camera put inside of you. Anyone who tells you otherwise? Is a liar.

 

Anyway, to make matters better* (*see: more awkward) I proceeded to tell my friend that her uterus and ovaries had just gone public with their nude pics and were now being followed by the paparazzi. Typical paparazzi, willing to do anything for that money shot - get it? Money shot? No? Too crass? Well, maybe we wouldn’t get along very well. But if you just snort laughed at your computer, invite me the next time you’re headed to the hospital for your lady business.

 

3. I’m here for you. Like the time I dropped what I was doing to drive over to a friend’s house to remove a spider from her closet. Or when I pulled a splinter* (*see: small log) out of another friend’s ass in the sketchiest rest stop bathroom of all time. Or when I drove 19 hours straight down to California to spend time with a friend who was homesick for Washington state. Or when I picked up two friends who had consumed a little too much happy juice from Podunk-Nowhere at 2AM. I’m just here.

 

I will say, this has lead me to be walked on many a time, but I’ve figured out my flow in this for the most part. I don't mind being the available one. I think it's important that people know they are loved through action (and sarcastic comments) so I'm always down to show up.

 

I had a friend who said her emergency protocol was "Call Malia, then 9-1-1." While I think most medical professionals would disagree and I cannot publicly condone such a catchphrase - if you do? I'm happy to show up, make jokes, and/or tell it how it is.

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