I often feel like I am drowning in my overwhelming state of existence.
For every one thing I get right? I get five others wrong. When one thing goes well? Five others go wrong. As if there were a specific number of positive fate molecules in the universe, and no matter what, you cannot alter that number. So for every good, positive, right thing that occurs? It alters another to be negative. This thought experiment does not leave me without hope, but rather the reality of it exhausts me.
I struggle with anxiety particularly when I don't know what to do. So I can go through long seasons where I feel little to none, and others where I am completely crippled by it. Part of that anxiety has been needing to admit when I have failed. And failure is one of those tricky things where the worst thing about it is admitting that it is happening or has happened. Once you've done that? It can just be a lesson you've learned and, hopefully, can grow from. Let me tell you, I fail a lot. It is a regular occurrence in my daily life.
If only super heroes could fight off our anxiety.
I fail as a wife, I fail as a mom, I fail as a friend, I fail as an entrepreneur, I fail as a citizen of the world. But I want to do better. I want to learn from every wrong thing I do. I want to make sure I am transparent with my journey.
This Spring we said "yes" to too many things. We took on too many projects, we said we would do too many things, we didn't prioritize well, and we made promises we couldn't keep. Admitting this openly has been one of the most difficult things I have done as an adult, probably because I don't see it modeled anywhere. Very few people openly fess up to the fact that they've failed, apologize well, and move forward. But I want to.
So here I am, admitting failure. Letting you know that I have taken on more than I should and that I just can't live up to what I promised. Finding the ability to have gratitude in the midst of that failure, to have grace for myself and be honest with others - makes failure strangely worth it. I don't really think I'll go on to do big, amazing things from this point. More that I hope to continue doing small hard things, failing, and moving forward.