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Interstitial :: December

December 20, 2018

There is no way it's already December 20th.

The whole month disappeared. 2019 is literally just around the corner and I don't know how we got here. "The days are long but the years are short." right?

 

Mark injured himself mid-way through November. His whole job depends on his body functioning at its best and he is the primary bread winner for our family. Having him out for over two whole weeks was nerve racking for us. We struggled with anger, frustration, depression, anxiety - it was a gloomy household. This, inevitably, affected our kiddos and they were nervous wrecks, reflecting our mood back at us. I wasn't the best mom. I wasn't the best wife. I wasn't the best version of myself.

But you don't come here to read about our perfect life.

 

Or if you do... prepare to be painfully disappointed.

 

So what do you when you're not at your best? What do you do when the things you can't control are spiraling? Well, you win. Or you learn. But if you're learning, aren't you winning?

 

 I spent the last month focused on my physical health, clinging to it as if it would save me from the emotional wreck happening on the inside. But do you know what? It kind of worked. I learned early on that if my exterior is messy, my interior is messy. Quite literally, if I have a messy room and dishes in the sink and crap on the floor? I'm a hot mess emotionally. This time around, I couldn't control anything happening around me, so I focused on taking care of my body.

 

Running, eating well, cross training, drinking water, stretching, face masks and epsom salt baths... and I started feeling better and better. I also started picking up my exterior, a messy house is basically equivalent to a plague of my emotional state. I tried to take deep breaths with my kids, giving them grace I absolutely did not have space for. And I worked at leaving my poor husband alone - seriously, is there anything worse than someone constantly asking you if you need something when you feel like crap? Nope. I'm basically a monster - and not in a sarcastic sense either.

 

 

I think it's important to remember that we are always balancing in life, never "balanced." True balance maybe exists on some existential plane, but not here in reality. If you think of life as perpetually in motion, it makes it easier to see it as constantly balancing and readjusting to balance in new ways as the motion in our life changes. And we, as flawed human creatures, will go insane if we are constantly trying to seek something that does not exist.

 

So we keep showing up to learn. And to win. And to learn how to win. And we never stop trying to be better. Because the moment we have nothing left to improve or better or learn, is the moment we stop living our lives. And that's not something I'm interested in.

 

How do you keep challenging yourself to be better than you were yesterday?

 

cheers,

M

 

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